I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. Whats the alternative? He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. Help! When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. Uh, No Thanks. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. Its anonymous! I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. (Questions may be edited for publication.). As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. $549,500 Last Sold Price. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. You have to use headphones.". Have a question for Care and Feeding? Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I Despise My In-Laws. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. All rights reserved. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. All rights reserved. Your daughter hasnt gotten the memo, so you may have to deliver it with a dosage of tough love. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. I would prefer she choose the state school. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Photo illustration by Slate. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Every day that you take care of your family and love them and worry for them and get silly with them, youll be doing it, bit by bit. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. 87 Years After Nazis Stole My Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany Had an Offer for Me. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. Help! My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. Uh, No Thanks. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. My question is, what do I say to these people? slate advice columns care and feeding. I cant stand to read baby announcements. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. Please dont do that either. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. by . We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. Dear Care and. Have a question for Care and Feeding? For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. Advice Column Collection. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. 2.5 Baths. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. 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