We can be borderline-close with someone, or borderline-intimate.
People I just met will tell me these deep, personal things. I remember reading this when you wrote it but I’m glad I saw it today. Hey Stephanie I also live in Hamburg :-). Anyway… thanks for writing about this. The bar’s pretty high for true intimacy, which has 7 necessary characteristics: • emotional safety
I’m an INFP and find it difficult to write on the surface. The first one looks delicious but it has no nutritional value. I can think of a few times, though, when someone has basically invited me to the next level (sounds like a teenaged romance! Please try again. I have enough energy for casual friends and acquaintances, and my intimate relationships aren’t going anywhere, but I feel like I’ve really neglected to maintain some close relationships that were also important to me. I am just so grateful for your posts. I hope that doesn’t sound jaded! Every once in a while I have to just talk to my friend and ask what is going on. I like this categorization. It’s uncomfortable, but good to realize I’ve probably made a lot of people uncomfortable by assuming sharing my heart will automatically equal intimacy.
This happens most often with familial relationships. Information about your device and internet connection, including your IP address, Browsing and search activity while using Verizon Media websites and apps. I’m seriously obsessed with this. When You Teach People How to Treat You, Start with These 8 Pillars of Conduct, We Learn Through Repetition: Be Careful What You Practice. You no longer lose respect, greatness, or ego, because you’re not focused on those things any longer. Success! TCK, stands for Third Culture Kid, and it refers to children who spend part or all of their formative years living away from their home culture(s). I went to see my counselor recently for a check-in—no big agenda, just a friendly chat to catch up. Wow, this could not have been more timely! But I’ve certainly been reminded of that.
Very happily, indeed. This was really helpful, thank you!
Thanks so much for writing this! Time and distance can do that, or significant life changes. But I think the most difficult thing about it has been the realization that while she was an intimate friend for me, I was clearly more of a casual friend to her as evidenced by how disposable a friendship it has been for her. Those types of meetings don’t happen frequently. I’m sure when others go to counseling, their counselors give them completely different advice that’s exactly what they need to hear. It occurred to me, as I read this, that perhaps we have been pushing for an intimate relationship (Because that is what family should be, right?
We can work with you on this particular goal. It’s important to know.
As a TCK who is raising a TCK, I think that there is another layer for us. Unlearn the Lessons of a Toxic Childhood — You Deserve to be Loved! I love it when someone takes something seemingly intangible and defines it so simply- with a chart, no less! And I’d been stuck in the disconnect between the belief and the reality. Luckily, there is Skype and going home is easy enough for me, so I am fine. I was born in the Netherlands. I’m so glad to hear this. I can only imagine what it would be like to experience something similar, though far more painful, as I’m imagining your experience must have been. But the shared experiences I have with my old friends from home…friends from high school, college, law school…well, that is something that is hard to duplicate. I am not a person who opens up easily with many people and certainly not with people I barely know about things like medical issues or parenting challenges. My counselor’s little chart was so simple, but it made so much snap into place for me.
Men, on the other hand, are discouraged from greater levels of emotional intimacy, especially with other men. Wow.
When you learn to be mindful, fully aware of yourself, you can be authentic and open with others. I’m so sorry that that was and continues to be so painful. Platonic intimacy goes deeper than everyday ‘small talk’. My goodness, so true.
Every relationship we have, she went on to explain, can be plotted on this little chart. I fumbled a bit, trying to explain. My husband has many people that I would consider his friends, but he does not.
It’s a joy for me even to be sweet to strangers.
I have seen a psychiatrist off and on, for years. Been here in Germany now since 1985, so quite a while. Even intimacy has its gradations. Relationships – female friendship in particular – at this stage of my life – three kiddos, out of the baby stage – has been on my mind and heart lately. You accept that you don’t have to be perfect.
I learned this the hard way with in-laws. I’m often surprised at the things people share with me. Yet when I attempted to speak to her about some issues — issues she had drawn me into — she responded with rage, rejection, and eventually an end to our friendship, despite my efforts to reconcile.
The talk quickly turned, as I imagine it does in counselors’ offices everywhere, to relationships. • compassion Super interesting, and now the list-maker in me immediately wants to sit down and classify every single person I know into one of these categories. Others will just be casual forever, perhaps they’re parents of your child’s friends or people you see each week at church. Nor does history forge communion. http://www.amazon.com/Friendships-Dont-Just-Happen-GirlFriends-ebook/dp/B00B032E0A, Not Inadequate » Blog Archive Random Monday - Not Inadequate, Blogging 101, Day Four: Identify Your Audience – On being socially awkward | muddling through marlborough, The things you don't read about on the internet. Thanks for sharing. .
Just because they act intimate toward you doesn’t mean they will uphold ALL the characteristics of intimacy. Second, you must open up fully to others and let them get to know the person you are inside. Sharing is weakness, and weakness is something to be avoided among men.
Posted in Emotional Intelligence, Fearless Mindset. Written by Maria Connolly on April 19, 2017. I guess I’d say I don’t have any intimates here. emotions, intimacy. I was thinking this as I read this article. Thank you so much for posting this, Anne. Wow this was extremely useful for me to have this spelled out so simply! Yes, yes and yes. I tend to keep my cards pretty close to my chest, so there are just a few people I really open up to. Kind of. Some people will always be on the intimate level, even if you haven’t seen them for 20 years, because of what you experienced together. As seen in the personal boundaries circle chart, a circle of intimacy, like a relationship level, is used to determine what types of relationships we have with people based on how we value them and their importance to us. I would love any book recommendations for that chart! “Intimacy simply means that the doors of the heart are open for you, you are welcome to come in and be a guest. And he won’t stop asking what’s wrong till I tell him. And when you overstep that boundary you get into trouble.
We’re always disappointing one another somehow.). As a small-talk shy introvert, I often have to give myself permission to keep what I share with acquaintances to an acquaintance-appropriate level. As another INFP, I have a tough time trusting people completely. This helped clear up confusion for me!
Every relationship we have, she went on to explain, can be plotted on this little chart. When he left his job, I stayed with the counselor: switching felt too daunting! It does leave one feeling stymied about how to determine how our friends view us. Additionally, I came to Germany (Hamburg) later in life, and that may make the difference. It can also be disconcerting when a friendship drifts the other direction. It expresses every fear I have when I open up to someone. I think as an ISFJ, a big part of my hardwiring is loyalty and responsibility. Not to mention a friend once told me I seem really reserved and standoffish when I first meet people, even if I’m not really like that. If you carry such fear, be assured that it’s possible to get rid of the fear. So when I read your post I think, yes, it is very important to be aware of how we view the relationships we are in and what we are (perhaps even unconsciously) expecting from them and putting into them; but the “two solitudes” will always be there, no matter how close we are. We and our partners will store and/or access information on your device through the use of cookies and similar technologies, to display personalised ads and content, for ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Thanks for letting me know. I’ve learned to see it as a strength that I need to keep an eye on so it doesn’t go into overdrive and become a weakness.
And your differences in opinion and outlook bring richness to the friendship.
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